On the corner of First & Love...Alone

KS: "Would you get mad if I see other people"

DK: "Naw... but I'd be bothered"

The living room was silent. Both of us playing in our iPhone's but not really sure what the other was thinking. As I layed on the floor with a million thoughts. "Whatchu' mean you would only be bothered?...Why wouldn't you be mad?... Have I limited myself from the Texas experience with other men the last few months?." All I could say to myself is what I have I done(shouting like Stoney in the movie Set It Off when they killed her brother)? I guess I allowed love to catch me once again. I'll admit, I am falling in love with this guy and he's not even mine. WOW.

"I'm so done trying to be everything you want & I have to stop 'cause baby, you ain't worth it If I gotta camouflage, for love, for love...No, I won't camouflage, for love, for love, I won't camouflage"
Brandy, Camouflage Album: Human

So lemme catch y'all up:

I met this guy...we'll call him Deborah Kay and he's a intriguing individual. Upon meeting him, I had just moved to Dallas from Louisiana and was fresh out of a almost 2yr relationship. I had build up a no-tolerance pedigree for men and secretly hated them for a while. I just didn't understand how you could want nothing but the best for a person and they not want the best for you. Loving himunconditionally, compromising without hesitation and always bending the rules in their favor. Many asked why I stayed with the "ex" but my answers are simple: I loved him, I thought he loved me and I believed. Nonetheless, it ended up being the biggest heartbreak of my life and I was left without anything. No self dignity, a comatose emotional state and a view on men that would have a big effect on the next man I dated.

I never thought I would meet anyone better that my him until I bumped into Deborah Kay at the "coffee shop" one afternoon.

Noun 1: Coffee shop- A small restaurant where small drinks and snacks are sold. Better known as BGC, a place where gays congregate and discuss the unlimited.

He was a very intelligent person and not to mention, he was 21 y/o with a job, apartment & car. I mean, I know to some that may not be much but when your in a city surround by gays who only sit at home(unemployed) and partake in illegal substances on a daily basis, you start to feel like you have hit the jackpot when someone actually has what their suppose to have. From the start, Deborah was charming, handsome and always ready to do something new. Not to mention he was from Louisiana not far from my hometown and we had mutual friends. Isn't this a small ass world? Hmp!

Honestly, I had never been with a guy that wanted to actually date and I was intrigued at the fact of taking things one step at a time. The notion that I could hang out with a man who I was physically and mentally attracted to with no strings attached sent waves throughout my body. I going to finally able to see these muthafucka for who they really were.

"YESSSS.. A pledge allegiance hoe...To the thug-misses flag...YESSSSSS"
- Khia, Nasti Musik 08.

In spite of their flaws (which we all have) I like them for who they are. To me, that's what I call love. It's genuine and true for that person. The ability to want the highest high for that person without pre-judgement of criticism. I can tell within me that Deborah will always be special to me regardless of our friendship status. Because at the end of the day, there are not too many people I actually enjoy the company of because I'm very fickle. Nonetheless, he just always put a smile on my face. Very Interesting.

Now after saying all of that I've had a epiphany today. Deborah and I have been dating off and on since May. That's 7 months that I have been affiliated with him and nothing major has popped off which is humanly impossible in the gay community. Although I try to limit myself from being a statue for the gays, I do think my situation alone does cause for that strong of a comparison.

Gays meet on Friday night at the club and have sex on the same night(but if you got a good man he'll wait til the next day to let you get it). On Saturday they go to the movies etc. and have sex again. On Sunday, they go to church together and have a long conversation on the way home about relationships. On Monday, they go find a apartment and co-sign on each other shit. I'm serious, it really goes down like dat! But anyway, to me Deborah and I had something special. As previously mentioned, we were both independent and didn't need the materialistic things to validate us. We had our own. AAHHH!! gasp

"I love it cause he got his own He don't need mine, so he leave mine alone There ain't nothin that's more sexy Than a man that want, but don't need me"
-Neyo & Jamie Foxx, Got Her Own

However, I've realized that at this point in our lives Deborah and I are at two different points. They don't seem to really want anything serious currently. Let me rephrase that : Their indecisive about their feelings about a relationship. Which I may not understand but which I can respect. I don't know the exact reason but it's always blamed on pass relationships. Ugh!!!


*thinking*

Hmmmm, and I am at the point in my life where dating is not the thing for me in this situation. I want the entire pie not a piece of it. Hell, I may even willing to share it with YOU 50/50 but I refuse to settle for a piece. Although it may sound selfish to some but if your already playing the role, why sell yourself short on the title? How can a person not want a relationship but seem so comfortable playing the role of being in one? We both work up until 6pm Monday-Friday and we usually spend our evening with each other at least 6 days a week. We constantly do relationship things (cuddle, kiss, movies, dinner and so on). So whats big deal? What are they waiting for or shall I say indifferent about? iono either LMAO

It doesn't take a genius to figure out the stipulation of this situation. This isn't rocket science. I think it goes back to men wanting to dominate every situation. We want to always feel free from bondage even if that means letting go of someone we really like. Therefore, we sometimes hurt others (unintentionally) in order to protect our feelings. But isn't that what love is all about? Taking a risk and willing to bet it consciously on that person because their love trills you. But then again maybe the trill was never there on their behalf.

I have stood at the corner of First & Love alone since May and my legs are starting to buckle. I can't sell myself short of what I believe in because I would go my entire life forgetting about the needs of me. All I have is me, and to invest it in something that isn't giving me a fraction of the same is insane. It pains me to write this but it's reality.

"You could put your whole life into a man,
loving what you thought it could have been."
-Keyshia Cole, Heaven Sent

Enough with the rambling. But this last lines is my current state of being:

I've stronger, I'm better and I've lived through the sacrifice. So this time, I'm gonna try a different approach...If your on board jump on...if your not...I choose me.