On the corner of First & Love...Alone

KS: "Would you get mad if I see other people"

DK: "Naw... but I'd be bothered"

The living room was silent. Both of us playing in our iPhone's but not really sure what the other was thinking. As I layed on the floor with a million thoughts. "Whatchu' mean you would only be bothered?...Why wouldn't you be mad?... Have I limited myself from the Texas experience with other men the last few months?." All I could say to myself is what I have I done(shouting like Stoney in the movie Set It Off when they killed her brother)? I guess I allowed love to catch me once again. I'll admit, I am falling in love with this guy and he's not even mine. WOW.

"I'm so done trying to be everything you want & I have to stop 'cause baby, you ain't worth it If I gotta camouflage, for love, for love...No, I won't camouflage, for love, for love, I won't camouflage"
Brandy, Camouflage Album: Human

So lemme catch y'all up:

I met this guy...we'll call him Deborah Kay and he's a intriguing individual. Upon meeting him, I had just moved to Dallas from Louisiana and was fresh out of a almost 2yr relationship. I had build up a no-tolerance pedigree for men and secretly hated them for a while. I just didn't understand how you could want nothing but the best for a person and they not want the best for you. Loving himunconditionally, compromising without hesitation and always bending the rules in their favor. Many asked why I stayed with the "ex" but my answers are simple: I loved him, I thought he loved me and I believed. Nonetheless, it ended up being the biggest heartbreak of my life and I was left without anything. No self dignity, a comatose emotional state and a view on men that would have a big effect on the next man I dated.

I never thought I would meet anyone better that my him until I bumped into Deborah Kay at the "coffee shop" one afternoon.

Noun 1: Coffee shop- A small restaurant where small drinks and snacks are sold. Better known as BGC, a place where gays congregate and discuss the unlimited.

He was a very intelligent person and not to mention, he was 21 y/o with a job, apartment & car. I mean, I know to some that may not be much but when your in a city surround by gays who only sit at home(unemployed) and partake in illegal substances on a daily basis, you start to feel like you have hit the jackpot when someone actually has what their suppose to have. From the start, Deborah was charming, handsome and always ready to do something new. Not to mention he was from Louisiana not far from my hometown and we had mutual friends. Isn't this a small ass world? Hmp!

Honestly, I had never been with a guy that wanted to actually date and I was intrigued at the fact of taking things one step at a time. The notion that I could hang out with a man who I was physically and mentally attracted to with no strings attached sent waves throughout my body. I going to finally able to see these muthafucka for who they really were.

"YESSSS.. A pledge allegiance hoe...To the thug-misses flag...YESSSSSS"
- Khia, Nasti Musik 08.

In spite of their flaws (which we all have) I like them for who they are. To me, that's what I call love. It's genuine and true for that person. The ability to want the highest high for that person without pre-judgement of criticism. I can tell within me that Deborah will always be special to me regardless of our friendship status. Because at the end of the day, there are not too many people I actually enjoy the company of because I'm very fickle. Nonetheless, he just always put a smile on my face. Very Interesting.

Now after saying all of that I've had a epiphany today. Deborah and I have been dating off and on since May. That's 7 months that I have been affiliated with him and nothing major has popped off which is humanly impossible in the gay community. Although I try to limit myself from being a statue for the gays, I do think my situation alone does cause for that strong of a comparison.

Gays meet on Friday night at the club and have sex on the same night(but if you got a good man he'll wait til the next day to let you get it). On Saturday they go to the movies etc. and have sex again. On Sunday, they go to church together and have a long conversation on the way home about relationships. On Monday, they go find a apartment and co-sign on each other shit. I'm serious, it really goes down like dat! But anyway, to me Deborah and I had something special. As previously mentioned, we were both independent and didn't need the materialistic things to validate us. We had our own. AAHHH!! gasp

"I love it cause he got his own He don't need mine, so he leave mine alone There ain't nothin that's more sexy Than a man that want, but don't need me"
-Neyo & Jamie Foxx, Got Her Own

However, I've realized that at this point in our lives Deborah and I are at two different points. They don't seem to really want anything serious currently. Let me rephrase that : Their indecisive about their feelings about a relationship. Which I may not understand but which I can respect. I don't know the exact reason but it's always blamed on pass relationships. Ugh!!!


*thinking*

Hmmmm, and I am at the point in my life where dating is not the thing for me in this situation. I want the entire pie not a piece of it. Hell, I may even willing to share it with YOU 50/50 but I refuse to settle for a piece. Although it may sound selfish to some but if your already playing the role, why sell yourself short on the title? How can a person not want a relationship but seem so comfortable playing the role of being in one? We both work up until 6pm Monday-Friday and we usually spend our evening with each other at least 6 days a week. We constantly do relationship things (cuddle, kiss, movies, dinner and so on). So whats big deal? What are they waiting for or shall I say indifferent about? iono either LMAO

It doesn't take a genius to figure out the stipulation of this situation. This isn't rocket science. I think it goes back to men wanting to dominate every situation. We want to always feel free from bondage even if that means letting go of someone we really like. Therefore, we sometimes hurt others (unintentionally) in order to protect our feelings. But isn't that what love is all about? Taking a risk and willing to bet it consciously on that person because their love trills you. But then again maybe the trill was never there on their behalf.

I have stood at the corner of First & Love alone since May and my legs are starting to buckle. I can't sell myself short of what I believe in because I would go my entire life forgetting about the needs of me. All I have is me, and to invest it in something that isn't giving me a fraction of the same is insane. It pains me to write this but it's reality.

"You could put your whole life into a man,
loving what you thought it could have been."
-Keyshia Cole, Heaven Sent

Enough with the rambling. But this last lines is my current state of being:

I've stronger, I'm better and I've lived through the sacrifice. So this time, I'm gonna try a different approach...If your on board jump on...if your not...I choose me.

THE MIND: Sometimes a wonderful thing to waste

Here I am, 23 yrs old with a job, car, crib but with no one to share it with. No, No!!! Please don't get it twisted, I have people trying to get at me but for some reason a nicca cant open up to them. I at least thought I could supress my thoughts on a relationship and possibly give them some of the girth but I don't even be in the mood for that. WTF is wrong with me? Am I over people in general? LOL!!! Yo boy is over here trippin hard. You know what(in Shante Smith voice fom Two Can Play That Game), I'ma have a V8 and just maybe that will get me going. There is a solution to every problem trust!!! Just thoughts....fadin to black...alarm clock, Wake up Mr.Henre'

Muscle relaxation.

Please ole please wear blue and green so flowers can bloom and the birds can sing, Today. Sometimes I often think of this line from a underground Erykah Badu track. Although I really don't quite understand the totality of it, I do know the energy from it calms me down. It makes me feel like there is something I can do to make someone else's life feel better. Man if we all did that sometimes knowingly maybe we would get rid of some stress.

On second thought, what do you do if you are making someone feel bad unknowingly? Do you just try to change yourself without knowing what to change? Or do you just let the love of you life go and deal with the pressures of loneliness until someone else comes along? Whatever the case, its safe for me to say that I don't know the answer. All I do know how to do is stand up for what I believe in. Stand up for the morals and ethics that my mother instilled in me. Stand up for the heart that never gets anyone to listen. Unfortuntley, just when it thinks it has someone they leave during the best part.

A New thought...

A wise person once sung, "smile today, run with the breeze, plants some seeds," is such a deep line to me because of sometimes I don't feel like smiling all the time. But that line just helps me through each time I feel like giving up. It allows me to picture my life without a frown on my face. By smiling I can help someone else with there day. But its often hard to smile on the outside when inside your screaming because you know something isn't right. You just know when something has YOUR attention. Its all good though because what God has for me it is for me. He's gonna bless me enough one day to not have to ponder anything negative, this i definetly know for the bible told me so.

As I sit here and ramble on my thoughts, I have nothing else better to do except reflect on my day some of you may think, what is DeEryk talking about? I'm talking about life, I'm talking about me, I'm talking about you and you, I'm talking about being free. You don't have to understand why my mind is spinning a million times, but as long as I know, that I know, that I KNOW! The boo has bugs in his house that he let's run free, but if they don't bug you then they dont bug me." The slay is, they really bug the fuck outta me.

Talk to you on another day, I'm signing out!

Here I Am

As Bernie Mac once said, "Here I am...Here I am, Muthafuckas!" It took a lifetime to get to this point, and now it's finally here. I'm doing what I love to do best, write. Many if you know me from working on The Gramblinite, the student newspaper at Grambling State University, where I served as editor in chief. I have now decided to move on and explore different opportunities that will allow me to express myself in a way different than working for a personal media.

Being a journalist has never been easy, and in the modern world we are even more victim to public opinion on every bit of information written. Luckily, I will now be able to say the things that I couldn't say and piss off the people who really deserve it when need be.

Most of all, I plan to use this blog to at times talk about my personal life, the entertainment industry, politics and whatever else happens in the world. I totally understand the power of the pen, when you write something you open yourself up for criticism. I'm prepared for that and eager to take the challenge of discussing things that need to be addressed, while making a impact on this nation while afforded the opportunity.