A Cyber Sensation

DISCLAIMER: This story is very graphic sexually. If you don't like that type of language please dont read.

I Just wanna fuck...I just wanna fuck...I just wanna fuck...(keep Repeating with a techno beat)
-GAY CLUB MUSIK

The other day I was listening to a friend mines tell me about how our other friend named Goldie was using chat sites for Internet escorts. My initial thought was, whatever happened to a simple fuck? Why does someone always have to make money off everything they do? It's something I still don't understand and I don't think I ever will. This caused me to think back to my days when the gay connector introduced me to this thing called, free fucks.


It was my sophomore year in college, I met this guy named Cash(not his name), but that's what we will call him. He was on BGC and we were both up at 3a.m. looking for the same thing, yall know the routine. His profile had no pics but it was something about this guy that kept my attention spanned- his swagger. For the first time, this wasn't a girl, this was a man to my surprise. Being a gay student that just moved into a 1 BR apartment I was eager for someone to keep me company, so I invited him over. It took me a hour to get ready being that I had to make sure my body was smelling irresistible(swag check).

Nonetheless, all of sudden I get a call saying, "Whats the apartment number?" I replied, "Eleven." Cash then replied "Make sure you naked when you opened the door," I was soo turned-on from that single remark. I wasn't sure what he looked like in person but I was ready to indulge in a night a passion that hopefully wouldn't leave to a lifetime of pain. (Y'all know the gays be sick-HIV nowadays)

"I don't want dick tonight...Yea...eat my pussy right"
-Lil Kim

Anyway, he knocked on the door and walked in like he lived there. He sat on the couch quietly just staring at the television knowing he wasn't watching. I was like, "you don't like what you see?" He replied, "hell yea, I'm lovin it." I then invited him into the bedroom and as he was walking I realized this guys body was bangin, you could say he was built like a wide receiver but even that wouldn't be good enough. 6' 3, dark brown skin, 8 pack, beautiful lips and a ass for days. Now, I wasn't a bottom but this is definitely the time when you try something new-ya dig. I didn't know anything about douching at the time so I was in fear of doing what soo many bottoms do... paint.

He began by licking my neck while slightly pinching my nipples. My body was literally on fire. All I could think about was the less fortunate punks that were settling for "sissy's." I was amazed because I was having relations with a man, and though he wasn't mine, at least for that moment I was the only one with him. He begin to lick in between my thighs sending me into constant shock. As a sophomore I was very inexperience so any touch would send me on a frenzy.

"Ooh Baby, I Be Stuck To You, Like Glue Baby, Wanna Spend It All On You, Baby,
My Room Is The G Spot, Call Me Mr. Flintstone, I Can Make Your Bed Rock (oooh..)"-Young Money


He spreads my ass open and begin to get his grown man on by licking, spitting, tonguing and tasting me OOOHHH AHH. I wanted to scream because it felt like my male principle was about to explode. But oh no, I couldn't let him get the best of me so I pulled down his shorts and reached for this male principle. It was by far the smallest thing I have ever seen but I didn't give a fuck. All that could run through my mind was, "How can a guy with this body be gay?" Quickly, I regained my composure and thought about the fact that he was everything I dreamed of and I was about to endure hottest session to date.

"Ok I Get It, Let Me Think, I Guess It's My Turn, Maybe It's Time To Put This Pussy On Ya Sideburns,"
-Nicki Manij

Now it was time for loving and unlike Savannah in Waiting to Exhale, I did it, I closed my eyes and ...I sucked it. I'll admit, prior to this night I wasn't the best at it but that night I felt like I had championed the art. He moaned soo loud and occasionally kissed me. I felt like this guy may have even like me. So I asked him to do the obvious, let me fuck him. He rejected at first, but after kissing his ass cheeks he began to turn over and get on his knees in the doggy-style position while I lubbed my dick. I couldn't believe it, so I completed the order. I fucked him all over the room. Watched him ride me while I look in his eyes with my toes curling because the pussy was dat good. Watchin him be soo vunerable while my dick was inside him. Occasionally pullin my dick out just so he can suck it while I eat his ass. Man, you talk about being lucky. Hell, that night I was the winner..More importantly, my male ego was alive.


"I may be poor..black...I may even be gay...But Dear Fans, IM HERE...IM HERE."-DeEryk inspired through Ceilie from Color Purple.

Don't Judge me...


P.S. OMG, I can't believe I have rambled about a gay connector experience.
Tell me about one of yours?

Who's really that girl...

"This world done changed
So much yeah yeah
This world done changed
Since I been conscious

Oh, what in the world will we do?
Will we ever make it, yeah
Oh yeah know it ain't right
Oh, is it in Your plan?"

-Erykah Badu..(2000 A.D.)

Everywhere you go in the gay community there's always somebody trying to be "that it girl". Whether it's writing checks in order to rock the hottest fashions, being known as the drugs supplier or being known as the one who dates the hottest people, somebody is constantly looking for FAME. I often wonder what propels most gays to want to exercise this behavior. Yea, it's easy to write them off as fags, whore's or junkies but I really believe there is more to it. I can't imagine someone wanting to live their life in the fast lane that usually ends in destruction(jail or dead). Then again, I never imagined that I would be a openly gay male.

"The second verse is dedicated to the men
More concerned with his rims and his Tims' than his women
Him and his men come in the club like hooligans
Don't care who they offend popping yang like you got yen"
-Lauryn Hill, Doo Wop

In life we encounter people of all facets. Although there are things we may not agree with, you learn to accept people for face-value. Some people who do bad things actually have good hearts(oxymoron but true). Check it, I have a friend named Goldie who lived with me for almost 6 months while I was a junior in college. She never stole from me and I could leave my wallet on the kitchen counter and come back the next morning and nothing be touched. She helped me with the bills and was a great person with a great heart but had issues. The issue was, she had sticky fingers and didn't really know how to balance her habit(ecstasy only).

Day in and day out she would go to different stores and take what she felt belong to her. She would then sells it for profit to buy drugs, a outfit for the club, and food. Although it was a known fact that I disagreed with her actions, I was a poor college student that needed occasional help with bills. Does that make me a bad person? That I don't know. But I do know that Goldie had been practicing her habits for years. She often tried to get her life back on track but usually hit a stumbling block due to her felony record. She had lost hope in the system so she continued to put her dreams on the back-burner so she could survive reality. Reality being, living for the moment by doing what she knows best...stealing. I mean, what would you do?

Little Goldie is Twenty-Five years old
She's steady trying to figure why the world is so cold
So she pops pills to get rid of all the pain
Runaway love, Runaway love(I will run away with you)

-Ludacris, Runaway love

I'm sure everybody has stories similar and probably worse. But I often wonder what is the excuse for the homosexuals that don't have a felony record? What is the excuse for the one's that were raised in a good home(whether it's single parent or with both parents)? These people had every opportunity to get it right. You have people who were in your corner since birth. You have no reason not to be employed because you have don't have strikes against your record. You can still get federal aid to go to college but most importantly, you still have a voice. How dare you NOT exercise your rights at a better life.

"We were rooting for you, we were all rooting for you and how dare you... Learn something from your actions and take responsibility for yo'self"
Tyra Banks yelling at Tiffany on Cycle 4 of America's Next Top Model.

Most of people practicing these hideous, unnatural things didnt have anybody while growing up. That's why they probably turned to drugs to be a void and escape their deepest pain. That's why they risked going to jail to get the Prada shoes because they never had the opportunity to get new shoes while growing. That's why they probably turn to prostitution because they often feel selfless and nobody never informed them of their self worth. I want y'all to know it's OKAY. It's never to late to change. I also apologize for not being a voice to the one's I could have actually advised. I apologize laughing at you and calling you LATE for being the way you are. Truth is, we all have insecurities and making fun of someone else only temporarily relieves us of our own self-struggles. I'll work better with the ones that need and want the help.

Nonetheless, I can't do it all. We as community have to step up to the plate together and educate our brothers and sisters who are growing up in a different world than we did. We often wonder why people are so stereotypical against gays. Some may say because we're judged on a different scale than heterosexuals, some may say because people are hateful and some may say because the world will never embrace love between the same sex. If you guessed this, your right. But there is a key element we're missing. Whatever happened to... us embracing OUR OWN potential. Whatever happened to homosexuals being the smartest in the class, the only one in the family that went to college and the one who worked twice as hard because they knew the world was against them? We have allowed these good things to pass us by and allowed the drugs, prostitution and theft to take over. No, I'm not saying that negative habits just came about. But yes I am saying their even more prevalent in today's society.

It's up to us to create a sense of importance on these deadly habits. Instead of calling these young kidz LATE, we have to be the beacon of light and continue to carry the torch of insight. If not, who will? Everybody will be in jail, sick(HIV/AIDS), uneducated and invisible. It's our call to duty to tell someone:

"No, you need to get back in school and stop the drugs."
"No, you need emotional therapy to deal with things in your past."

I know it all sound unrealistic but if it hadn't been for the older gays at Grambling State University helping mold me as a freshman in college, there ain't no telling where I'd be.

Take challenge...don't let it die!

Applause and we all start chanting together...BELOW

It's the mystery of Inequity...
Said it's the misery of Inequity...
Said it's the history of Inequity...
When it all...
All falls down...
Telling you all...
It all falls down

Children...
Eat your bread
Little children...
Eat your bread
Cuz it all...
All falls down...
Telling you all...
It all falls down

Lauryn Hill "Mystery of Iniquity"

On the corner of First & Love...Alone

KS: "Would you get mad if I see other people"

DK: "Naw... but I'd be bothered"

The living room was silent. Both of us playing in our iPhone's but not really sure what the other was thinking. As I layed on the floor with a million thoughts. "Whatchu' mean you would only be bothered?...Why wouldn't you be mad?... Have I limited myself from the Texas experience with other men the last few months?." All I could say to myself is what I have I done(shouting like Stoney in the movie Set It Off when they killed her brother)? I guess I allowed love to catch me once again. I'll admit, I am falling in love with this guy and he's not even mine. WOW.

"I'm so done trying to be everything you want & I have to stop 'cause baby, you ain't worth it If I gotta camouflage, for love, for love...No, I won't camouflage, for love, for love, I won't camouflage"
Brandy, Camouflage Album: Human

So lemme catch y'all up:

I met this guy...we'll call him Deborah Kay and he's a intriguing individual. Upon meeting him, I had just moved to Dallas from Louisiana and was fresh out of a almost 2yr relationship. I had build up a no-tolerance pedigree for men and secretly hated them for a while. I just didn't understand how you could want nothing but the best for a person and they not want the best for you. Loving himunconditionally, compromising without hesitation and always bending the rules in their favor. Many asked why I stayed with the "ex" but my answers are simple: I loved him, I thought he loved me and I believed. Nonetheless, it ended up being the biggest heartbreak of my life and I was left without anything. No self dignity, a comatose emotional state and a view on men that would have a big effect on the next man I dated.

I never thought I would meet anyone better that my him until I bumped into Deborah Kay at the "coffee shop" one afternoon.

Noun 1: Coffee shop- A small restaurant where small drinks and snacks are sold. Better known as BGC, a place where gays congregate and discuss the unlimited.

He was a very intelligent person and not to mention, he was 21 y/o with a job, apartment & car. I mean, I know to some that may not be much but when your in a city surround by gays who only sit at home(unemployed) and partake in illegal substances on a daily basis, you start to feel like you have hit the jackpot when someone actually has what their suppose to have. From the start, Deborah was charming, handsome and always ready to do something new. Not to mention he was from Louisiana not far from my hometown and we had mutual friends. Isn't this a small ass world? Hmp!

Honestly, I had never been with a guy that wanted to actually date and I was intrigued at the fact of taking things one step at a time. The notion that I could hang out with a man who I was physically and mentally attracted to with no strings attached sent waves throughout my body. I going to finally able to see these muthafucka for who they really were.

"YESSSS.. A pledge allegiance hoe...To the thug-misses flag...YESSSSSS"
- Khia, Nasti Musik 08.

In spite of their flaws (which we all have) I like them for who they are. To me, that's what I call love. It's genuine and true for that person. The ability to want the highest high for that person without pre-judgement of criticism. I can tell within me that Deborah will always be special to me regardless of our friendship status. Because at the end of the day, there are not too many people I actually enjoy the company of because I'm very fickle. Nonetheless, he just always put a smile on my face. Very Interesting.

Now after saying all of that I've had a epiphany today. Deborah and I have been dating off and on since May. That's 7 months that I have been affiliated with him and nothing major has popped off which is humanly impossible in the gay community. Although I try to limit myself from being a statue for the gays, I do think my situation alone does cause for that strong of a comparison.

Gays meet on Friday night at the club and have sex on the same night(but if you got a good man he'll wait til the next day to let you get it). On Saturday they go to the movies etc. and have sex again. On Sunday, they go to church together and have a long conversation on the way home about relationships. On Monday, they go find a apartment and co-sign on each other shit. I'm serious, it really goes down like dat! But anyway, to me Deborah and I had something special. As previously mentioned, we were both independent and didn't need the materialistic things to validate us. We had our own. AAHHH!! gasp

"I love it cause he got his own He don't need mine, so he leave mine alone There ain't nothin that's more sexy Than a man that want, but don't need me"
-Neyo & Jamie Foxx, Got Her Own

However, I've realized that at this point in our lives Deborah and I are at two different points. They don't seem to really want anything serious currently. Let me rephrase that : Their indecisive about their feelings about a relationship. Which I may not understand but which I can respect. I don't know the exact reason but it's always blamed on pass relationships. Ugh!!!


*thinking*

Hmmmm, and I am at the point in my life where dating is not the thing for me in this situation. I want the entire pie not a piece of it. Hell, I may even willing to share it with YOU 50/50 but I refuse to settle for a piece. Although it may sound selfish to some but if your already playing the role, why sell yourself short on the title? How can a person not want a relationship but seem so comfortable playing the role of being in one? We both work up until 6pm Monday-Friday and we usually spend our evening with each other at least 6 days a week. We constantly do relationship things (cuddle, kiss, movies, dinner and so on). So whats big deal? What are they waiting for or shall I say indifferent about? iono either LMAO

It doesn't take a genius to figure out the stipulation of this situation. This isn't rocket science. I think it goes back to men wanting to dominate every situation. We want to always feel free from bondage even if that means letting go of someone we really like. Therefore, we sometimes hurt others (unintentionally) in order to protect our feelings. But isn't that what love is all about? Taking a risk and willing to bet it consciously on that person because their love trills you. But then again maybe the trill was never there on their behalf.

I have stood at the corner of First & Love alone since May and my legs are starting to buckle. I can't sell myself short of what I believe in because I would go my entire life forgetting about the needs of me. All I have is me, and to invest it in something that isn't giving me a fraction of the same is insane. It pains me to write this but it's reality.

"You could put your whole life into a man,
loving what you thought it could have been."
-Keyshia Cole, Heaven Sent

Enough with the rambling. But this last lines is my current state of being:

I've stronger, I'm better and I've lived through the sacrifice. So this time, I'm gonna try a different approach...If your on board jump on...if your not...I choose me.

THE MIND: Sometimes a wonderful thing to waste

Here I am, 23 yrs old with a job, car, crib but with no one to share it with. No, No!!! Please don't get it twisted, I have people trying to get at me but for some reason a nicca cant open up to them. I at least thought I could supress my thoughts on a relationship and possibly give them some of the girth but I don't even be in the mood for that. WTF is wrong with me? Am I over people in general? LOL!!! Yo boy is over here trippin hard. You know what(in Shante Smith voice fom Two Can Play That Game), I'ma have a V8 and just maybe that will get me going. There is a solution to every problem trust!!! Just thoughts....fadin to black...alarm clock, Wake up Mr.Henre'

Muscle relaxation.

Please ole please wear blue and green so flowers can bloom and the birds can sing, Today. Sometimes I often think of this line from a underground Erykah Badu track. Although I really don't quite understand the totality of it, I do know the energy from it calms me down. It makes me feel like there is something I can do to make someone else's life feel better. Man if we all did that sometimes knowingly maybe we would get rid of some stress.

On second thought, what do you do if you are making someone feel bad unknowingly? Do you just try to change yourself without knowing what to change? Or do you just let the love of you life go and deal with the pressures of loneliness until someone else comes along? Whatever the case, its safe for me to say that I don't know the answer. All I do know how to do is stand up for what I believe in. Stand up for the morals and ethics that my mother instilled in me. Stand up for the heart that never gets anyone to listen. Unfortuntley, just when it thinks it has someone they leave during the best part.

A New thought...

A wise person once sung, "smile today, run with the breeze, plants some seeds," is such a deep line to me because of sometimes I don't feel like smiling all the time. But that line just helps me through each time I feel like giving up. It allows me to picture my life without a frown on my face. By smiling I can help someone else with there day. But its often hard to smile on the outside when inside your screaming because you know something isn't right. You just know when something has YOUR attention. Its all good though because what God has for me it is for me. He's gonna bless me enough one day to not have to ponder anything negative, this i definetly know for the bible told me so.

As I sit here and ramble on my thoughts, I have nothing else better to do except reflect on my day some of you may think, what is DeEryk talking about? I'm talking about life, I'm talking about me, I'm talking about you and you, I'm talking about being free. You don't have to understand why my mind is spinning a million times, but as long as I know, that I know, that I KNOW! The boo has bugs in his house that he let's run free, but if they don't bug you then they dont bug me." The slay is, they really bug the fuck outta me.

Talk to you on another day, I'm signing out!

Here I Am

As Bernie Mac once said, "Here I am...Here I am, Muthafuckas!" It took a lifetime to get to this point, and now it's finally here. I'm doing what I love to do best, write. Many if you know me from working on The Gramblinite, the student newspaper at Grambling State University, where I served as editor in chief. I have now decided to move on and explore different opportunities that will allow me to express myself in a way different than working for a personal media.

Being a journalist has never been easy, and in the modern world we are even more victim to public opinion on every bit of information written. Luckily, I will now be able to say the things that I couldn't say and piss off the people who really deserve it when need be.

Most of all, I plan to use this blog to at times talk about my personal life, the entertainment industry, politics and whatever else happens in the world. I totally understand the power of the pen, when you write something you open yourself up for criticism. I'm prepared for that and eager to take the challenge of discussing things that need to be addressed, while making a impact on this nation while afforded the opportunity.